Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Teaser Tuesday

This is a really rough tease, something I wrote from a WIP not yet complete called "Death of Mercy"

Suggestions/edits are much encouraged!
Cheers




She felt the blade nip her breast, the raw tear of her skin breaking loose, her lungs filling before her knees sunk to crunch into the gravel. She heard the merciless sound of her thudding heart, the only sound loud and constant enough to drown out all others. In the images that skidded before her— the chaos of tussles surrounding them, lips cut and bloody, fists and knives thrown and stabbing— her eyes found him, stared into his, seeing not the indifference or flippancy, not the dark dilation of his pupil, but simply death, bidding his time, patient until the end, that confident grin telling her it was done.

He’d caught her, finally. Him, a spider, predatory and patient and she slipped into his funnel web like a willing insect, wrapped in the silky trap with little fight left in her.


There, at the finish, she found it almost funny, dying by her father’s hands. Perhaps not funny, she thought, but ironic, considering their situation. She only met him a year ago, a year to the day to be exact, but he’s known her, known of her, for a millennia.

Of course, the story doesn't start with Mercy dying. It truly started with the day she tried to kill August.

15 comments:

Phoebe said...

Ooh, is this the opening? Very compelling.

Glen Akin said...

Woah! Wait, this is the opening? This is really good! Honestly. I hope to read more of this

TS Tate said...

Yes, this was the opening. This WIP had the same problem as many others...no dang middle. But I AM going back to this one, for certain, once I finish the current WIP. Oh and Phoebe, please let me know when you're ready to exchange for critiques. Just finished my short story.

Glen, as always, you rock! :)

Thanks to you both!!

Heather Atkinson said...

I agree, as an opening this is quite good and gets me interested in the rest of the story. The first paragraph feels awkward to me, though and could use some revision. Keep up the good work, there's a lot of potential here!

Danielle said...

I thought this was pretty fantastic. Great job. :)

TS Tate said...

Thanks, Heather...thanks Danielle!! Appreciate the input.

Judithann Brown said...

This is very good, Tee. I look forward to reading this when it is no longer WIP! You ROCK, bint!

TS Tate said...

LOL, thanks Judy! You rock harder. :P

rcmurphy said...

I see a lot of potential here. With a little tweaking this could be a very, very strong opening for a story (or novel). Glad to know that you plan on going back to it. Would be a shame to let something so good collect dust. :D

madisonwoods said...

A very good start - interesting twist to put her death at the beginning and work back from there.

One typo: the only sound loud and constant enough to drowned out all others. (should be drown).

I almost missed the fact that it was her father that killed her, so maybe a paragraph break to make that stand out a little more.

Otherwise a great start to what sounds like a fascinating story :)

TS Tate said...

Thanks so much, Renee & Madison. I so appreciate the input!

Ebony McKenna. said...

You are really brave to post this. It felt visceral and real. Only suggestion - and I feel rude for even saying it - is perhaps shorten the sentences to give them more punch.

It's a tense scene, so make it as tense as possible. Punchy short sentences - she's about to die after all. No time for elegant reflection at this point.

Loved the twist that it was her dad, but obviously not a very caring and loving dad, is he?

TS Tate said...

LOL, no, Ebony, he's really not. Thanks for the input. I have problems w/ long sentences. Heh, it's a process!

Nathan said...

very dark. great opening scene. Challenge will be to carry a story through where we all know the ending. Perhaps an M. Night Shyamalan vibe or something?

TS Tate said...

Thanks, Nathan! Yeah, that's the reason it's a WIP. Heh